I'm not sure if I am more annoyed with myself for helping Genesis get out of Hell, or pleased. I don't want people to think that I am getting 'soft' or more friendly. I wish to remain how I used to be, but I am starting to find that a little difficult. It's probably due to being used to being an angel. I think it changes you as a person. I hate that. If I keep changing, people will assume they can walk all over me and I will appear to be weak, which is someting I've never wanted to think of myself as being.  So what if I helped an angel?... Or if I admitted to maybe feeling guilty because of what I did to Aranis?  I told Keaira that I would never want to see Aranis commit suicide again, however I said I did not care if he died. I just do not want to see it. I knew I wouldn't be able to see Aranis die after a dream I had a couple of weeks ago. It was night and Keaira was working, and so I was asleep at home.  I woke up in tears, because I was reminded of how upset I was after witnessing his suicide back when we were friends. Making friends was a difficult task for me back then, and he was one of my first. To lose him, really upset me. I was also very mad that someone would do such a thing. He was very selfish.  Even if thinking about that still upsets me, I cannot forgive him for things he has done in the past. First being the suicde, for making me see such a terrible thing. Second for murdering my best friend, and then causing Keaira to cheat on me.  I guess I can blame him for Gabriel raping Keaira too. If Gabriel wasn't dead because of him it never would have happened.

Right now, I'm itching for violence. I need to know I can still be a violent person and that I have not completely fallen to being some, goodie-two-shoes vermin.  I've even stopped being so defensive and agressive around my mother. Well, not as much as I used to be, but I have to force myself to be as I am now. No one knows what I really think about Mum, or how I feel towards him.. I still want to do things to try and break him down, but I think other things too. ...Dammit, I just want him to show me hostile feelings towards me  so I can start feeling the same back again, as much as I used to. I need more people to hate. I won't turn on Genesis, as that would be stupid. I know I couldn't win against him in a fight.  I suppose there is always Nameless to direct my attention to. I want his eyes to go back to the way they were before. The eyes I hated. Then it can spark up some more hatred from the past in me. Nameless, Mum, Lachrimae, Aranis and Lecea, come out and give me more things to hate you for. No one else is worth it. I want violence. I bet my agressive nature hasn't disappeared, it's hidden inside of me somewhere, getting bigger, but I need something or someone to set it off.